Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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