I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
