the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
