Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
