did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
