i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
