Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The air was thick with penises
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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