If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
