What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
