Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
