The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
