If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
