you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
