you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
