If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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