who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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