Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
