How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
