I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
