I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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