So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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