my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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