we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
