everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
