My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
