I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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