Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
