I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
