What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
