just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
where are you?
Hypothermia
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
