No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
