just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
