All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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