I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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