Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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