There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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