Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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