apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We have started to decorate penises.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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