If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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