question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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