Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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