Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
