evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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