u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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