Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
