Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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