I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
