I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
