threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
