When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
