Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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