Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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