Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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