So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
