you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
